Familiar Territory

November 30, 2009

The fish tank is a little depleted of water and so it sounds a bit like a brook in the mountains. I have no illusions however, as I sit in our library at the office there is little calm. My spirit is restless. Kids have been facebooking their dread of the oncoming rush of restarting school today. Can’t you remember the hopeless feeling in the pit of your stomach as you headed outside to catch the bus. So much time until Christmas.

My friends are writing about being tired or their trek back to work. Here I sit, ready to write but all that comes is a stillness. It is a bit tiring to think about the road ahead when you have some idea of the work and no promise of the outcome.

On this day I am anticipating the time when I will make a phone call. I have been carrying an idea for a little more than two years. God woke me up with it and then provided people to share it with. It has seemed longer than two years. There have been so many peaks and valleys to this adventure. Parties with rock stars, lunches with businessmen, meetings with millionaires and each scenario has been a wonderful story in itself of God’s grace. I have tried to be a herald of God’s story in each place.

Maybe that has always been the point of this grand concept all along. Perhaps the things we do are less important than the people we impact.

I have always tended to see each day as a slot of time with which I am to accomplish some particular task. Today I will write, study, organize and plan. I think that each of those tasks may just be a platform for loving God in public.

My problem is that I’m wired to succeed. I am so needy in regards to recognition. I want to be appreciated, loved and respected. I have come to believe that people will love and respect me based on what I do, and in most cases, what I do for them. It is a false standard. It sets up a cast system, a hierarchy of value based on accomplishment. It establishes me as the driver and God as my approver.

I think that Jesus must have anticipated his days with mixed senses of excitement over the people He would impact and angst over the parts of the machine he was called to refashion.

My prayer today is a funny one. That is what this blog has been. A prayer. Lord? Were you ever nervous? Did you feel the anxiety of potential disappointment? I just am nervous and concerned about being disappointed again. Help me to work through that today. Do not allow me to become paralyzed by the potential or the delays in your story.

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